I am: Consumed

 

I constantly want to be the best I can be for other people, but so rarely am I as caught up in being the best for God. 

I want to be the very best Fiancé I can be. I want to be supportive in even the small things, I want to pour out love and always put him first. I want him to know how much I care for him and to never doubt the depth of that. I want to be a place he can come to for anything and with anything and I want him to trust that I always have his back. I want to be his helper and push him towards God at the center of it all and I want to make him laugh and smile and forget about everything even for a moment. 

I want to be the very best Daughter I can be. I want to make my parents proud not only in my accomplishments, but also with my character. I want them to look at my life and be happy that they did a job well done in raising me to be the woman I am today. I want them to know how thankful I am for them and how I couldn’t get anywhere without the support that they have given me. I want to respect them and serve them in big and small ways to show my appreciation for them. 

I want to be the very best Friend I can be. I want to be that person that is there for you no matter what and is always ready to go through the tough stuff with you. I want to be the one that holds you while you cry and wipes your tears and is also there to make you laugh until you can’t breathe. I want to be the for the big moments and make you feel special in the small ones. I want to be trusted and to be known for bringing peace and joy to your life. 

These are just a few of the titles that I am proud to carry and these desires of mine are real and beautiful. 

But lately I’ve been so consumed with these titles and in trying to live up to them that I’ve forgotten a few names that are even more important: Redeemed, Masterpiece, Forgiven, Heiress, and Blameless just to name a few. 

When I start failing at living up to the earthly titles in my life, I begin to give myself some new titles. They are ugly labels like Failure, Selfish, Unwanted, and Disgusting. I spend all my time trying to hide from those around me because I am so afraid of them getting close enough to read these names across my forehead. I didn’t choose these titles, but they start to look like truth and I feel the weight of carrying them and the exhaustion of disguising them. 

I can get so immersed in how I am trying to love others that I stop holding onto the titles that truly matter. The truth is that I can’t live up to the title of Fiancé, Daughter, or Friend perfectly because I fail a lot in all those areas. That’s nothing new since no human is flawless, but the problem starts when I forget the names God calls me and only define myself by the human ones I will never be good enough for. Human titles are earned, but God’s are given by grace alone and can never be taken away. 

Tonight I am finding myself again by refocusing what I am allowing myself to be consumed with.

It’s so crazy that even a pure desire like wanting to love those closest to you to the best of your ability can turn into something detrimental. Life isn’t about just being a good person or doing the best you can- that’s actually placing something above God and therefore deserves the label of idolatry. Life as God’s child is about only being consumed with Him and have my first desire be to love Him. 

The truly incredible thing is that when you do that you are not only set free, but you are able to achieve even those human titles like Fiancé, Daughter, and Friend not through your broken, human effort, but with the power of the Creator and Omnipotent King.

“For our God is an all-consuming fire.” (Hebrews 12:29)